I give everything I surrender...

There's so much on my mind that it just makes my head want to explode trying to get it out. But I guess I'll start here:

I didn't get the job in Casablanca. I didn't want to tell people because it felt like failure in my heart. It's been a while since I found out, maybe a month or so. But I've been realizing some different things from this experience about myself and God's plan. First of all I've realized that I can actually DO something with my life! It shocked me going through this whole process that I was on my way to doing something huge! So that's a good feeling knowing that I can actually go forward with a dream of mine. I've also figured out that even though I may think I know God's plan for me he can slap me in the face and bring it around to make me see him again. I was thinking that this experience would bring me out of myself, out of my comfort zone and I would come back a changed person because it would be just me and him while I was away. In reality... that's the stupidest thing in the world. Why can't I do that now!?!?! What am I waiting for???

Our last sermon was about Adam and Eve creating the fig leaves to cover up their transparent heart and their sins inside after the fall. Pastor Tim talked about how it was the first showing of self justification in our world. And they were thinking that if they could cover themselves then they were saving themselves. The fig leaves were just excuse makers. That's exactly what I've been doing. Hiding behind these fig leaves I've been creating because I think I don't need God to get through my problems.

I want to be able to love people. Truly love them, and to selflessly listen to what they have to say and be someone they can lean on. I think I’m this incredibly busy person when in reality I just get tired and think I need alone time… I forget how important fellowship is, but refuse to do things. Maybe because I don’t want to face things and don’t want to actually have close relationships with people because then they’d see my heart and I just don’t like talking about my pathetic problems. But I guess I kind of am here… but of course it’s always easier to when you think no one is actually reading.

I've been listening to Sanctus Real's new cd. It's so great. I love that I can listen to songs and they describe exactly how I'm feeling or bring up new feelings that I didn't know were there. Or in this case kinda slapped me in the face and it's like God is using it to make me see all of this (everything I've been talking about). So this is the song:

Whatever You're Doing

It's time for healing, time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time to make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender

Chorus: Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly

Time for a milestone, time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything I surrender...

Time to face up, clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears

I think that's it for now. There are so many battles going on inside my heart sometimes I wonder how I survive it all. But thank God I do get through it.

5th Grade

Three weeks into my student teaching and I was thinking about my kids today and how I'm starting to cherish them. I haven't talked about my students yet!! So if you haven't heard yet, I have 175 5th graders for my Student Teaching! I know right? I was a little freaked out at first but it's so much fun! And I'm on the path to learning ALL their names. I have 2 classes and about 10 kids from each of the other 3 classes memorized so that's about half!

But anyway, I've started bonding with them and showing my real self which is a little mean, but whatever... they need that in a teacher I've started to see. So even though I yell at them because they're lazy I really do it because I want them to succeed and see their real potential.

It breaks my heart to hear about the lives of some of these kids. I think that's going to be the worse part about this job is seeing the pain these kids have to go through and sometimes pain that they can't escape or had no choice in. Really, it's unbearable and I just want to change their lives for them!

The neat thing about having so many kidos is there are SO many different personalities and they're so amusing. My teacher and I were laughing at them because they were given an assignment (it's math and it was on polygons) and it was SO easy and we thought they'd finish it in like 15 minutes. But really... we were watching them get their paper out.... then find their pencil... then get their book out.... then bug everyone around them to see what page they were on. It takes them so long! And to see the kids who try so hard and come in to get help because they actually care is just amazing! They're such awesome younglings!

But I'm seeing how much they watch you and how much they actually take to heart. Since I haven't been in a classroom for more than 3 hours a day 4 days a week I haven't really seen that as much as I do now. So I can honestly say that I'm so excited for the next 2ish months I have with them!

Student Teaching... Welcome to Reality

Why do I want to be a teacher? That's a good question. It seems like everyone in my program has this idea of hopefully changing a child's life through teaching. Over the past year I have learned a lot about this thing we call teaching; and with that I have seen the reality of teaching.

One of the most annoying things that I have experienced during my observations and being around teachers is the question of "So... after being here do you still want to be a teacher?" or you get the comments such as "You should get out while you still can" or "teachers are so underpaid and there's to much paperwork...blah blah blah". And calling a student stupid as a stump is NOT okay. Giving up on a student becuase it's frustrating when they don't get it as fast as you want them is NOT okay.

So really... why do teachers have to be so discouraging to us younglings? Don't they know we know all this?? But we... I have so much passion for teaching, I still believe that I can make a difference in a child's life. I still believe that I can use my talents and knowledge to help students learn about things inside and outside of the classroom!

Now wait, not everyone I've been around is like this. The teacher who's class I'm in for student teaching is A-mazing! She taught in the most dangerous part of Chicago and her stories are crazy! She cares about her students SO much. She WANTS to see them succeed and she gives them so many opportunities to get help and she just genuinely loves her job even though there are some tedious tasks she has to do, or meetings she has to go through, or paperwork she has to fill out. I've been so blessed to be in her classroom.

Today my teacher and I went into the principle's office to talk to her about a student and the principle turns to me and asks me after seeing all these difficult situations with the students "Are you still motivated towards being a teachers after seeing what happens behind the scenes?" I said yes and she went on to say "Good! I think that if every teacher went into their classroom each day with the attitude that they could make a difference in a students life then our children would change tremendously. So even though there's drama and students getting in trouble, don't ever give up!" She's an amazing lady!

This is long so I'll talk about my students later. :)