Upbeats and Beatdowns

This week has been interesting. On Tuesday... well it was my 22nd birthday. When I went to school the happy go lucky day I thought I would have, turned out to be the total opposite. The principal called all the teacher it to tell us that one of our 5th grade teachers was in a car crash on April 12th and has been in the hospital every sense and is not coming back this year. So the teachers didn’t handle it very well and we spent the morning worrying about how the kids would take it. The principal kept the news for so long because she wanted to wait till testing was over to tell the kids so they weren’t thinking about it. Anyway, when we did tell the kids they freaked out and broke down hysterically. It’s was the most depressing thing ever. I can’t explain how it feels to watch half of the kids you teach shaking because they’re crying so much and just full of worry, fear, and sadness! And all I could do was hold strong and pretend like I wasn't sad for the sake of the 170 students. It was a messy day.

Two days have gone by and kids have started asking who's going to be the new teacher. And all the other 5th grade teachers have apparently been planning that the day after I'm done student teaching I will step in for the rest of the year and teach Writing. Oh great... writing. The one subject I really suck at. But at least I have the support of 4 other great teachers to help me get through this.

I thought student teaching was suppose to be easier than this. AND less emotional! My teacher I'm with tells me my first year is going to be a breeze because of everything I've had to deal with this semester. Jeez And here are some photos for your viewing pleasure.

Children in Trees.

At our most recent church picnic... which was yesterday, I had THE most relaxing yet most FUN day I've had in a while. It started off with a huge game of basketball! Mind you there we 4 adults playing and about 14 or 16 kids ranging from age 4 to 16 as well AND we were playing on a half court! It was the most chaotic game I've ever participated in and not to mention I lost my voice for a bit becuase of yelling like a little kid and laughing so hard! Next we move on to the tree. This tree is my new favorite tree. There was about 13 kids in it at once and then Hannah and I. So here are some incredible cute and silly pictures from that. Enjoy

The End.

This is a piece out of my student teaching journal.

I decided I’d write about this whole week because really it was a huge blur and my emotion about the whole week was about the same. I didn’t think it would be true for me what they say about your student teaching. They say that when you get about half way through the semester you hit a wall and it’s just very overwhelming. After I got a feel for what I’d be doing I thought I’d be okay since I could handle the work load and all but what I didn’t take into consideration was how I how feel about the kids.

At times it can be so frustrating with 175 kids! During one of my classes we were talking about stem and leaf plots and they were working on a book assignment that was a little confusing. I don’t know how many times I made it simpler for them and how many times I would tell different students. So I literally stopped everyone, made a big deal of them paying attention and re-told them what one of the question really meant and had them repeat it after me. And what does one student say 2 minutes later?? What does this question mean? When I had JUST told them! It’s frustrating not to show your frustration to the students because I want to make sure they know they can ask me questions, but on the flip side I also want them to pay attention when I ask!

Another issue I had to deal with was taking on the problems of the students. One of the students in my class came up to me after school and told me this was probably her last day and she started crying. And I know a little bit about her home life to get really sad with her. Then I heard about another student who was really upset with something that had happened that he started saying “I want to kill myself” over and over again! So in this aspect I am really just overwhelmed! I’m so attached to these kids and have grown to care about them so much that I hurt with them!

I also took time to talk to one of my students who is failing almost everything and is pretty popular. But this week she’s been coming in after school and getting all her missing work and is so motivated to get her grades up. So I asked her why she’s so motivated when it’s just her and I but as soon as her friends get around she gets this attitude that says I don’t have to do my work because I’m too good for it. She told me she’s distracted by some of the other girls in the class and that when they start talking to her she feels like if they know she wants to get good grades then they won’t be her friend. It was just this whole different side to her I hadn’t seen and I think it’ll be good for her to know that I do care about what she does and that she shouldn’t give in to peer pressure! So we’ll see if it lasts.

So lesson learned? I need to find a way to not take my student’s problems home with me. I think it’s just because I care about people so much, but if I make this a habit I think it’ll be too much for me along the way.

The Snow and the Stars

One weekend full of it all!

The stars were beautiful...

The snow was fun and amazing....

And being surrounded by people who I love and adore is always a major plus too!

I give everything I surrender...

There's so much on my mind that it just makes my head want to explode trying to get it out. But I guess I'll start here:

I didn't get the job in Casablanca. I didn't want to tell people because it felt like failure in my heart. It's been a while since I found out, maybe a month or so. But I've been realizing some different things from this experience about myself and God's plan. First of all I've realized that I can actually DO something with my life! It shocked me going through this whole process that I was on my way to doing something huge! So that's a good feeling knowing that I can actually go forward with a dream of mine. I've also figured out that even though I may think I know God's plan for me he can slap me in the face and bring it around to make me see him again. I was thinking that this experience would bring me out of myself, out of my comfort zone and I would come back a changed person because it would be just me and him while I was away. In reality... that's the stupidest thing in the world. Why can't I do that now!?!?! What am I waiting for???

Our last sermon was about Adam and Eve creating the fig leaves to cover up their transparent heart and their sins inside after the fall. Pastor Tim talked about how it was the first showing of self justification in our world. And they were thinking that if they could cover themselves then they were saving themselves. The fig leaves were just excuse makers. That's exactly what I've been doing. Hiding behind these fig leaves I've been creating because I think I don't need God to get through my problems.

I want to be able to love people. Truly love them, and to selflessly listen to what they have to say and be someone they can lean on. I think I’m this incredibly busy person when in reality I just get tired and think I need alone time… I forget how important fellowship is, but refuse to do things. Maybe because I don’t want to face things and don’t want to actually have close relationships with people because then they’d see my heart and I just don’t like talking about my pathetic problems. But I guess I kind of am here… but of course it’s always easier to when you think no one is actually reading.

I've been listening to Sanctus Real's new cd. It's so great. I love that I can listen to songs and they describe exactly how I'm feeling or bring up new feelings that I didn't know were there. Or in this case kinda slapped me in the face and it's like God is using it to make me see all of this (everything I've been talking about). So this is the song:

Whatever You're Doing

It's time for healing, time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time to make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender

Chorus: Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly

Time for a milestone, time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything I surrender...

Time to face up, clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears

I think that's it for now. There are so many battles going on inside my heart sometimes I wonder how I survive it all. But thank God I do get through it.

5th Grade

Three weeks into my student teaching and I was thinking about my kids today and how I'm starting to cherish them. I haven't talked about my students yet!! So if you haven't heard yet, I have 175 5th graders for my Student Teaching! I know right? I was a little freaked out at first but it's so much fun! And I'm on the path to learning ALL their names. I have 2 classes and about 10 kids from each of the other 3 classes memorized so that's about half!

But anyway, I've started bonding with them and showing my real self which is a little mean, but whatever... they need that in a teacher I've started to see. So even though I yell at them because they're lazy I really do it because I want them to succeed and see their real potential.

It breaks my heart to hear about the lives of some of these kids. I think that's going to be the worse part about this job is seeing the pain these kids have to go through and sometimes pain that they can't escape or had no choice in. Really, it's unbearable and I just want to change their lives for them!

The neat thing about having so many kidos is there are SO many different personalities and they're so amusing. My teacher and I were laughing at them because they were given an assignment (it's math and it was on polygons) and it was SO easy and we thought they'd finish it in like 15 minutes. But really... we were watching them get their paper out.... then find their pencil... then get their book out.... then bug everyone around them to see what page they were on. It takes them so long! And to see the kids who try so hard and come in to get help because they actually care is just amazing! They're such awesome younglings!

But I'm seeing how much they watch you and how much they actually take to heart. Since I haven't been in a classroom for more than 3 hours a day 4 days a week I haven't really seen that as much as I do now. So I can honestly say that I'm so excited for the next 2ish months I have with them!

Student Teaching... Welcome to Reality

Why do I want to be a teacher? That's a good question. It seems like everyone in my program has this idea of hopefully changing a child's life through teaching. Over the past year I have learned a lot about this thing we call teaching; and with that I have seen the reality of teaching.

One of the most annoying things that I have experienced during my observations and being around teachers is the question of "So... after being here do you still want to be a teacher?" or you get the comments such as "You should get out while you still can" or "teachers are so underpaid and there's to much paperwork...blah blah blah". And calling a student stupid as a stump is NOT okay. Giving up on a student becuase it's frustrating when they don't get it as fast as you want them is NOT okay.

So really... why do teachers have to be so discouraging to us younglings? Don't they know we know all this?? But we... I have so much passion for teaching, I still believe that I can make a difference in a child's life. I still believe that I can use my talents and knowledge to help students learn about things inside and outside of the classroom!

Now wait, not everyone I've been around is like this. The teacher who's class I'm in for student teaching is A-mazing! She taught in the most dangerous part of Chicago and her stories are crazy! She cares about her students SO much. She WANTS to see them succeed and she gives them so many opportunities to get help and she just genuinely loves her job even though there are some tedious tasks she has to do, or meetings she has to go through, or paperwork she has to fill out. I've been so blessed to be in her classroom.

Today my teacher and I went into the principle's office to talk to her about a student and the principle turns to me and asks me after seeing all these difficult situations with the students "Are you still motivated towards being a teachers after seeing what happens behind the scenes?" I said yes and she went on to say "Good! I think that if every teacher went into their classroom each day with the attitude that they could make a difference in a students life then our children would change tremendously. So even though there's drama and students getting in trouble, don't ever give up!" She's an amazing lady!

This is long so I'll talk about my students later. :)

Before I start Student Teaching

Life has been so busy. Working 3 jobs and trying to just relax and hang out with people. But I thought I'd update everyone on things going on in my life.

First things first. I got an interview with the school in Morocco!! That should happen next week sometime so that's so exciting! The lady who's been in contact with me from the agency I'd like to go through sounds excited and feels good about it all! They even sent me information on what to expect about being there and the things I would not be able to find or would be expensive. It was actually a funny list! The most depressing thing they wouldn't have is peanut butter. :-O Oh nos! haha So that's the update with that!

Next piece of news is Student Teaching! I finally found out my school, teacher, and grade! YAY! I'm at a school I've actually substitute taught at which is cool. I'm in the 5th grade which I'm TOTALLY excited about, and all of this starts Tuesday next week! And I'm basically having to start lesson plans right when I start!

So if you're thinking about me, say a little prayer for my decision making as well as my nerves!

I'll keep you updated on the rest! ^_^

3 Years, 3 months, and 20 days

Here by ends my days working at the office of First-Year Programs and Transition Services... no University Programs.... wait, The Office of Orientation and Parent Programs. The name isn't the only thing that has changed in this office. We've moved from a tiny office to a much bigger one, we've gone from having 4 people in the office to having 10, and we've had so many changes of student workers.

Now it's all over. Time to move on. It didn't hit me how much I would miss it until the moment before I was leaving. But in all honesty, I needed to get out of there. I needed to move on to bigger and better things. Oh... and I just didn't have time to work there anymore, that's really my only excuse.

What will I take away from this job? I learned that it's easier just to use the office copier instead of my own at home. I learned about the wonderful opportunities of watching TV online! And along with that how to arrange my desktop to watch those TV shows and work at the same time. I learned that people suck at organizing and it drove me crazy. I learned about budgeting and how to check and balance it. And about college things in general.

For being my first job it sure did last a long time, but I did get awesome pay raises so that's just great. So good-bye UP! It's been great!

My 2 days of subbing!

Yesterday and today I subbed for a 5th grade class in an... okay part of town. I wouldn't say rich, but wouldn't say poor. I really like subbing for the same class twice in a row. It's so much more fun. But this class in particular was soooo much fun! Yesterday I wasn't as excited as I was today. It was kinda blah and boring, but I was looking over the lesson plans for Friday and there was going to be a bunch of extra time. So I planned a couple different lessons and brought in some of my own stuff! I love 5th grade. The kids are starting to get that attitude, but it's new to them, so they're still figuring out how to use it so it's funny to me. haha And their self-efficient it's so cool!

We did this activity with Double Meaning Words, and when I asked if they had ever learned about them they said they had done it last year. So I was kind of sad and didn't think it'd go well. I had them brain storm as many as they could and they were all thinking of some really great things! When I asked them if they were running out of words they wanted to keep thinking! It was so cool! So then I gave each student an index card and on the front was a word such as "Sink" and on the other side they had to illustrate the 2 meanings and create a sentence. They ended up loving it and taking so much time on their work.

Then we played math baseball instead of just working straight out of the book. But to make sure everyone was practicing, EVERYONE had to do the problem just in case the person at the board got the answer wrong then I would call on the first hand I saw. And everyone had to have a turn at the board, so when one student's turn was up she really didn't want to go up, but I gave her a semi-easy one, and she ended up getting it right!! It was so exciting!

Then we made this collage with biomes and they had to sort the different animals and plants, and it was so cool to watch them all do it! And it was this LONG piece of paper, and they didn't finish but it's going to look so awesome when they get it done.

So their treat for being good kids was they got to play "Goofball" which is like kickball without rules. It was ridiculous. I could never play it... But it was fun to watch. I think I sometimes tend to be a little bit too much of a "friend" I guess you could say. But I'm serious when I need to be and get things done when it's needed so whatever! I don't think it's bad to have fun!

I would sub again for that class ANY day!