Tried to run but I keep on coming back

I decided to re-read my whole blog today. It was pretty deep for a blog! I don't know why I haven't been writing on here much anymore. Maybe because I don't even know how I'm feeling myself. Well, actually I kind of do... but where to start?

I was reading all my feelings on Morocco and it was strange to me. The girl who interviewed me is my friend on Facebook and she had some pictures of the new team she's training to go over there. I was looking at the people wondering if I would have gotten along with them and who would have been the closest to me. But I had to stop myself from thinking about that because it's just not healthy. I mean, I'm happy I'm staying here. I'm involved with the youth group again and I just feel like I can do great things here this year to glorify God. I think about how let down I was when I found out I wasn't going. Feeling so sure of myself and sure of the fact that I thought this was what God wanted for me and then it turned out to not be. Really it made me scared to trust him for the fear of feeling like that again. The only example I can think of there is my relationship with Bryson. I'm scared to feel like this is what God wants, because if it's not that's going to totally suck. But what I came to a conclusion on is that if it is what God wants if going to be GREAT! And if it's not and he has something better out there for me then whatever else is out there must be even greater! So either way I guess I'll be happy in the end right?

When I was in 1st grade my 3 best friends moved away in the time frame of 3 months. Sometimes I wonder if that's why I'm so drawn to friends who don't live where I am; because I've been so use to having my friends far away. Because really, so many of my closest friends don't live here so who do I call to just hang out?! And then there's Hannah who's been the best friend I could ever ask for and she's leaving too. I think this year I haven't really branched out as much as I could. Maybe it's the new job and just not wanting to do anything after work. I just don't like hanging out with people in large groups. I would much rather sit around with one or two friends then attempt to make conversation with people I see only once and I while. And yes, it's my own fault for not trying hard enough but I'm really just not into it anymore. And maybe that makes me a horrible person... but whatever, there it is.

At camp this year we took the personality test like normal and apparently my personality has changed. I do feel like I've changed. In some parts of my life for the worse, but in some for the best. I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I don't even recognize myself anymore. I think it all boils down to the fact that I just really don't want to start life outside of going to school. It's finally hitting me that I graduated and don't have that part of my life anymore.... and now I have to grow up. Bryson has a way of helping me sort out my thoughts. It's kinda crazy actually. But right now I just feel like there are too many thoughts going through my head, and I just can't find contentment.

Feminists cry foul over Fat Princess

I found this incredibly amussing!

She's plump, powerful and ready to cause more controversy than "SuperSize Me."
She's Fat Princess, the star of Sony's upcoming video game of the same name. Debuting at last week's E3 expo, the colorful Fat Princess is a capture-the-flag game with a twist: you can thwart capture attempts by locking the once-thin princess in a dungeon and stuffing her full of cake, thereby increasing her girth and making her harder for your enemies to haul back to home base.
According to popular gaming blog Joystiq, two feminist gaming sites have already voiced their displeasure with the weighty issue.

Feminist Gamer's "Mighty Ponygirl" rings in diplomatically, suggesting a new way to play the game altogether.
"Instead of running out into the forest to find cake to fatten up the princess with, why not go out and find gold (which is a lot heavier than cake) to stuff into a treasure chest. The more gold in the chest, the heavier it would be, and the harder it would be to carry," she said, before adding, "Oh, but that's not as "cute" as cake and fat chicks. Right."

A Little Surprise!

Last night I get a phone call from brother bear Kevin telling me he was walking to the mailbox where he lives and all of the sudden this rat looking thing ran across the road. Little did he know it was a small, teeny tiny white kitten he saw. So Mitchi and he caught the kitten and washed it up and fed it. So at 10:45 he tells me to come down to see it, so I did! 

I ended up taking the little booger home with me!!!! Now, Goat does not like other cats, so I have to keep my little precious in my room till I leave. But the cat was crying ALL NIGHT LONG! So far tonight he/she is doing much better. Sleeping in our kitty tent which has been passed around from the White Cat, the Black Cat, Goat, and now on to one who actually uses it. 

Now... for a name. Kevin wants to name it Falcore, I said Blue Cheese because of it's big blue eyes and resemblance of cheese, Mitchi said Lamb or Sheep since we already have a goat and Jasmine agreed by saying... "ya it's very sheepish" (referring to the fact it was very scared and shy... haha Jas) 

I'll settle on a name soon. But for now here's a couple pictures of our new cuteness. 

Love is dying to yourself

I've been having a hard time this past week. Mostly the normal stuff I've been struggling with.... what does God want me to do in my life and where. But I'm starting to see the light. It's a good feeling being able to come back to God and actually have that relationship with him that I've been missing for a while now. 

Tonight we had our summer bible study on Spiritual Mothering, basically mentoring. I love the women in our church because I can hang out with a group of ladies older than myself and be accepted. They don't make me feel awkward for being young and single when they are all married with children. I just love listening to their stories and praying with them. I like to hear their struggles because it makes me feel more comfortable because as a group together we just don't judge each other. It's amazing! 

In our bible study one of the things we talked about that really hit home for me was this: Love is dying to yourself and also love is taking enormous risks. Love is a powerful thing. This can be applied in my life in so many different ways, but I can think of a few people in particular where I need to take enormous risks and die to myself in order to love them. That's a hard thing to do, but only by the grace and mercy of God will I be able to even think I can do that. And how on earth can people relate to each other or lean on one another without it?

God's been showing me that I need to trust him. After the whole Morocco situation and being let down over it, I just figured... oh well, I guess I just have to settle down in Las Vegas. But recently through older couples and my church family I've had open eyes to see that there's a WHOLE WORLD out there! And I don't have to stay in my comfort zone here in Vegas. I think that for the time being he wants me here. Mostly because I think it'd be too much picking up and just leaving. I also have commitments to the youth group that I really don't want to let down. So I've decided I'm going to take baby steps. I'm saving up my money and I'm going to get an apartment. Along with the new place I'm getting a kitty of my own. Maybe even TWO! We'll see. 

But I truly feel much better tonight about my life and what God has in store. I just wish this feeling would stick around more!!!!

All good things must come to an end

We're in the airport about to catch our red-eye back to Vegas. I'm not ready for vacation to be over. And I have less than 24 hours to switch from vacation mode back to work mode. 

So what have I learned most about being in Hawaii, friendship can be hard!! Tolerance can be hard, and holding your tongue is EXTRA hard. 

But whatever... I'm totally over all of it. We went to the Punchbowl today, it's where all the WWII veterans are buried. It was so awesome to see. They created a great memorial for those people. 

I'm going to miss the clouds! They were so fluffy and close to the ground! I'm going to miss the NICE people!!! Who tell you "Aloha" every time you see them. I'm going to miss actually being able to relax! I'll miss the sea turtles and the beautiful sunsets. I'll miss the delicious shaved ice!! And the amazing jaw-dropping mountains covered in grass and trees. But back to Vegas we go whether I like it or not.

And so it continues

We went snorkeling again today! I saw an eel!!! It was scary and looked like it wanted to hurt me so I swam away. No turtles this time, but it was still great nonetheless!!! Snorkeling really is great! I usually only see the ocean as a whole, I never get to explore the underworld! It's fantastic! 

Last night we took a trip to the Polynesian Culture Center where we were able to observe and participate in different Polynesian cultures! It was really fun! I learned about different rituals they partake in, different dances, games, and songs they have. We also went to a luau which was so much fun! There was delicious food amongst the gross raw fish that I stayed away from... bleh! Then we were able to watch a show with the different dances of 6 tribes! At the end were the fire twirlers which was just absolutely amazing! 

This place has a lot of cats! I'd take one home if I could. :( OOO! And Mongoose! They're adorable little creatures. Tonight I sat and watched the sunset on the rocks where the water was crashing. That is until the tide started to come in and the wave almost crashed into me... haha But it was still great. 

Still working on the tan. My tummy refuses to tan, but I will succeed! It's taken me till about yesterday afternoon to actually RELAX!!! Now I have to leave soon and switch back to normal right away. We'll see how that goes. 

OK LOST TIME!!!! YESSSSS I'm excited to watch since I've driven around the island, I want to see if I recognize anything! yippy!!

Hawaii Day 4!

Lots of fun things have happened! yippy! 

Yesterday we went snorkeling where we saw really cool fish AND a sea turtle!!! It was so cool! Except for the part where I swallowed a mouthful of sea water. bleh... We went to this shindig at the place we're staying had a Mai Tie party where we got to have a mini luau right here! And we were able to watch the dudes climb up a palm tree which was pretty cool. And of course... worked on getting more tan! yay! We ended the night on the beach with our feet in the ocean, the sounds of waves in our ears, and the bright stars above. *sigh* Absolutely blissful. 

Today we spent the day driving around the island. It's BEAUTIFUL! It's moments like this where I just can't believe how beautiful God made this place for us to enjoy and how thankful I am to have a break from the normal desert and change into this paradise! Pictures can't describe how awesome it was. Word can't describe how beautiful it was. We were also able to find the LOST fuselage.... only, it was covered with a tarp. :( BUT at least I was able to see it. We also stopped at this cliff place where the waves were crazy and slamming into the rocks. It was totally dangerous to climb down and get closer, so of course I had to. It was amazing; crashing waves are probably one of the coolest things to just sit and watch. I could have stayed there all day. But alas, I could not. So we kept driving and were suppose to go snorkeling in this really neat place and just or luck it was CLOSED on Tuesday. poop. In the morning we went to the Dole Plantation which was so much fun!!! We had a tour of where they grow the produce, and then got to roam around the gardens with the amazing flowers they have here. They're gorgeous!! 

That's all for now, tomorrow should be fun. We're going to the Polynesian Culture Center for the BIG luau! 

I'm in Hawaii!

Many things have happened lately that I haven't gotten around to post. One being the end of student teaching and the beginning of the new teaching position, another being graduation from UNLV, and the 3rd is my trip to Hawaii. But luckily, I'm sitting on the balcony of our PENTHOUSE on the top floor of this ocean view room staring at the stars above, the waves crashing, and the endlessness of blackness out into the ocean. It's more than I could ever ask for. 

Yesterday morning we arrived on the wonderful and beautiful island of O'ahu! It's so amazing here! And I can't help think about LOST when I look at the mountains covered in green and wonder if I've seen those same mountains on the show. Yes... that's right, that's one thing I haven't been able to get over is that I'm WHERE they film LOST! 

So far we've worked on our tans, floated in the ocean, watched the beautiful sunset and finally... RELAXED! We also were able to check out the Pearl Harbor memorial center. That was just astonishing. I don't know why I didn't put 2 and 2 together that the Arizona battleship is still in the water. I always wondered why they had the white thingy there. DUH! But it was just one of those moments where you don't know whether to be excited or sad. But we ended up doing both. I'll be putting up pictures for everyone to enjoy later, but for now I need a shower!

The most important thing I've learned so far... life is too short to be moody and angry over stupid things. :) The end. 

Hopefully I've have some moments through out the week to share more. YAY!!!

Only 4 days left

It's a sure thing that I will be teaching Writing from May 12th to July 17th to the same group of 5th graders I am with now. Today I walked into my teacher's classroom and she just started with the questions... "What do you think you want to do for procedures?" "How are you going to decorate?" "Do you have any lesson plans yet?" and so on a so forth. I guess I was just excited to have a good paying job again that I failed to think about the most important things. So that's what I started thinking about today.

Along with that... my teacher tells me that she thinks it'd be a fun surprise to NOT tell them that I'm going to teach them and I should just show up on Monday ready to teach. She thinks this would be a great pick me up for them considering all that's been going on latley. I understand... but then again... all day today kids were remembering that this is my last week and that I'd "be gone" next week. So they're going to have to be sad first before it gets better. We shall see how this all ends up! And they keep telling me to just be prepared because kids can be a little resilient at first with change but they'll come around. I'm not TOO much of a change... but still.

This also presents the problem of I can't really do much in the class I'll be in. And I can't do much decorating because then they'll know I'm going to be there!!! So I have all these ideas that I'm working on but can't start till FRIDAY! But I did in fact start cleaning and organizing because the room is a MESS! And I can't work like that. So here are the 2 cupboards I cleaned out today!

Before:
After:

Really... I'm going to be ready for my first year of teaching because of all this that's happening!

Upbeats and Beatdowns

This week has been interesting. On Tuesday... well it was my 22nd birthday. When I went to school the happy go lucky day I thought I would have, turned out to be the total opposite. The principal called all the teacher it to tell us that one of our 5th grade teachers was in a car crash on April 12th and has been in the hospital every sense and is not coming back this year. So the teachers didn’t handle it very well and we spent the morning worrying about how the kids would take it. The principal kept the news for so long because she wanted to wait till testing was over to tell the kids so they weren’t thinking about it. Anyway, when we did tell the kids they freaked out and broke down hysterically. It’s was the most depressing thing ever. I can’t explain how it feels to watch half of the kids you teach shaking because they’re crying so much and just full of worry, fear, and sadness! And all I could do was hold strong and pretend like I wasn't sad for the sake of the 170 students. It was a messy day.

Two days have gone by and kids have started asking who's going to be the new teacher. And all the other 5th grade teachers have apparently been planning that the day after I'm done student teaching I will step in for the rest of the year and teach Writing. Oh great... writing. The one subject I really suck at. But at least I have the support of 4 other great teachers to help me get through this.

I thought student teaching was suppose to be easier than this. AND less emotional! My teacher I'm with tells me my first year is going to be a breeze because of everything I've had to deal with this semester. Jeez And here are some photos for your viewing pleasure.