Wide Awake

It's currently 1:37 in the am... why am I still up?? Ya... I have no idea. I was finishing my final 2 projects for school, but I finished them at 12:00 or maybe 12:30. And I have to get up early to teach my final lesson for my practicum. While lying here trying to sleep a couple things hit me... first, since we're talking about school, I'm a senior! A SENIOR! ahhh! Amanda and I were talking about graduation and how exciting it will be, but at the same time it's pretty sad too because I've gotten really close to here this year. But I guess we still have a whole year so I won't dwell on that. But it does make me wonder if I've changed. I mean, I know I have... but I guess I just don't see it myself. Have I become unrecognizable to people? Or have they just accepted whatever I've changed into and moved on with life?

Second thing that hit me actually happened a couple days ago when I was helping Amanda move. We passed by a cemetery and it hit me that that's where one of my high school friends is buried and I remembered it was almost July and he had died back on Jul 3, 2003. He died in a car accident which makes me think of my own driving. So back to sitting in bed wide awake... I could not believe that I totally forgot that my grandma died June 24, 2003! I couldn't believe I forgot, so that made me sad. I miss her. But I look at how close my grandpa and uncles have gotten and how close we've gotten to them and I just wish she could see that. So me, being morbid... thought of the rest of my friends and family who have died in the past couple years, my great grandma Mabel Turman, Andrea, Carley, Brian, Jenn's mom, Natalie's mom, that's all that come to mind right now.

This leads me to my next slew of thoughts. Our women's group in our church is reading Hearts of Fire. It's pretty amazing. It's about women and their families and friends around the world would have suffered for their beliefs. This past chapter was about a missionary women who's husband and 2 boys were burned alive in their jeep in a village in India. This women's reaction was so amazing to me. She seemed so quick to forgive. And I know that it takes hard work and eventually she also had to test that forgiveness because she came face to face with the man who planned the murder. It's just crazy to me, I know how I would act in that situation... I would be a huge pity party and close off the world. I would be angry, bitter, and mean. I wouldn't want to forgive that fast! How selfish am I? SERIOUSLY! And even looking at my life now. I say I have forgiven, but I still dwell on it. It's so hard for me to get out of my angry, selfish moods. I'm pathetic... But reading this story gives me hope that it can be done. And I know that it was all God working in her so that's very comforting.

And other than that I've just been so busy. I feel like I've just been going from one thing to the next, living on fast food, and practically turning my car into a 2nd home. I was reading through my journal tonight (yes I still keep a written journal) and it seems like I always write when God has turned my nasty heart around. I guess I'm just too ashamed to share the nasty heart with anyone. Although I had written a long blog that would have shown the very true me... but I erased it, I guess because I didn't want people judging me. But the fact of the matter is that I'm a huge mess. I'm a tangle web of sin and garbage. And the thing with me... is that I do see my sin but I just dwell on it and I complain about it and I throw a huge pity party with extra pity on top. It's amazing how I can be so self involved. It's amazing that I can feel so distant from people and not do a thing to try and fix it and sometimes not even want to fix it. Bah I don't know. Perhaps it's the fact that it's now 2:14 am and I'm still not tired, I just want to keep writing! But I think I should stop for now. Maybe try to sleep since tomorrow will defiantly be too long if I don't get some shut eye.