I give everything I surrender...

There's so much on my mind that it just makes my head want to explode trying to get it out. But I guess I'll start here:

I didn't get the job in Casablanca. I didn't want to tell people because it felt like failure in my heart. It's been a while since I found out, maybe a month or so. But I've been realizing some different things from this experience about myself and God's plan. First of all I've realized that I can actually DO something with my life! It shocked me going through this whole process that I was on my way to doing something huge! So that's a good feeling knowing that I can actually go forward with a dream of mine. I've also figured out that even though I may think I know God's plan for me he can slap me in the face and bring it around to make me see him again. I was thinking that this experience would bring me out of myself, out of my comfort zone and I would come back a changed person because it would be just me and him while I was away. In reality... that's the stupidest thing in the world. Why can't I do that now!?!?! What am I waiting for???

Our last sermon was about Adam and Eve creating the fig leaves to cover up their transparent heart and their sins inside after the fall. Pastor Tim talked about how it was the first showing of self justification in our world. And they were thinking that if they could cover themselves then they were saving themselves. The fig leaves were just excuse makers. That's exactly what I've been doing. Hiding behind these fig leaves I've been creating because I think I don't need God to get through my problems.

I want to be able to love people. Truly love them, and to selflessly listen to what they have to say and be someone they can lean on. I think I’m this incredibly busy person when in reality I just get tired and think I need alone time… I forget how important fellowship is, but refuse to do things. Maybe because I don’t want to face things and don’t want to actually have close relationships with people because then they’d see my heart and I just don’t like talking about my pathetic problems. But I guess I kind of am here… but of course it’s always easier to when you think no one is actually reading.

I've been listening to Sanctus Real's new cd. It's so great. I love that I can listen to songs and they describe exactly how I'm feeling or bring up new feelings that I didn't know were there. Or in this case kinda slapped me in the face and it's like God is using it to make me see all of this (everything I've been talking about). So this is the song:

Whatever You're Doing

It's time for healing, time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time to make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender

Chorus: Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly

Time for a milestone, time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything I surrender...

Time to face up, clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears

I think that's it for now. There are so many battles going on inside my heart sometimes I wonder how I survive it all. But thank God I do get through it.