Tried to run but I keep on coming back

I decided to re-read my whole blog today. It was pretty deep for a blog! I don't know why I haven't been writing on here much anymore. Maybe because I don't even know how I'm feeling myself. Well, actually I kind of do... but where to start?

I was reading all my feelings on Morocco and it was strange to me. The girl who interviewed me is my friend on Facebook and she had some pictures of the new team she's training to go over there. I was looking at the people wondering if I would have gotten along with them and who would have been the closest to me. But I had to stop myself from thinking about that because it's just not healthy. I mean, I'm happy I'm staying here. I'm involved with the youth group again and I just feel like I can do great things here this year to glorify God. I think about how let down I was when I found out I wasn't going. Feeling so sure of myself and sure of the fact that I thought this was what God wanted for me and then it turned out to not be. Really it made me scared to trust him for the fear of feeling like that again. The only example I can think of there is my relationship with Bryson. I'm scared to feel like this is what God wants, because if it's not that's going to totally suck. But what I came to a conclusion on is that if it is what God wants if going to be GREAT! And if it's not and he has something better out there for me then whatever else is out there must be even greater! So either way I guess I'll be happy in the end right?

When I was in 1st grade my 3 best friends moved away in the time frame of 3 months. Sometimes I wonder if that's why I'm so drawn to friends who don't live where I am; because I've been so use to having my friends far away. Because really, so many of my closest friends don't live here so who do I call to just hang out?! And then there's Hannah who's been the best friend I could ever ask for and she's leaving too. I think this year I haven't really branched out as much as I could. Maybe it's the new job and just not wanting to do anything after work. I just don't like hanging out with people in large groups. I would much rather sit around with one or two friends then attempt to make conversation with people I see only once and I while. And yes, it's my own fault for not trying hard enough but I'm really just not into it anymore. And maybe that makes me a horrible person... but whatever, there it is.

At camp this year we took the personality test like normal and apparently my personality has changed. I do feel like I've changed. In some parts of my life for the worse, but in some for the best. I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I don't even recognize myself anymore. I think it all boils down to the fact that I just really don't want to start life outside of going to school. It's finally hitting me that I graduated and don't have that part of my life anymore.... and now I have to grow up. Bryson has a way of helping me sort out my thoughts. It's kinda crazy actually. But right now I just feel like there are too many thoughts going through my head, and I just can't find contentment.