A Pile of Dirty Cloths

Lately I feel like my life is like the pile of cloths in my room... yes I'm going there, deal with it. So usually when my room is just insanely messy I get to this point where I can't deal with it anymore, I have no clean underoos, and something needs to change. I'm trying to think of the last time my room and cloths were all clean. I think it was about 2 or 3 weeks ago, possibly even longer. So as most of you have experienced yourselves, it just starts off with a few shirts and flip flops laying around because you just got home from a long day and just didn't want to put it away. Slowly and surly the pile starts to grow. At some points within the last weeks I had attempted to clean it by throwing all the cloths on the bed, the shoes in a pile, and the trash somewhere in a foot radius of the trash can. I put my cloths on my bed to force me to do something with them before I go to bed. This method has not been working because I just end up sleeping on one of the other beds in my house. So as of right now.... cloths are EVERYWHERE and everything else I own is just sitting on my floor in this huge mess.

So how you may ask does this relate to my life? I feel like all of my sins have been slowly piling up and I'm just too lazy to do anything about it. And it's not the matter of me trying to clean it all up so I can just live, it's the fact that I'm too lazy to repent, not willing to change, not ready to look at the pile of crap that I have been living with for a while now. And I've had attempts at "cleaning" my heart I guess you could say, I've heard awesome sermons that give great advice and hit me with the truth and word of God, and I've started a mini-bible study with Tobi and Hannah, I've done all these little things that have only just sorted out the sinful things away in my heart, but I still just haven't faced the fact that things are so outta wack ad that I'm sick of living with this pile of mess!

I just got home from our Sunday night college group with our church. I was so great because I was able to be honest with them and tell them exactly how I feel. It was blunt... I defiantly spouted some tears, but it was also great to hear what everyone else had to say. I think it was such a great step that we took today! And it's definitely an answer to prayer and I'm so excited to see what's in store for our group next.

I think that's it for now. Jeez... so many blogs in such a short amount of time!

Futbol!

What a nice day for a little futbol in the park! I wish the weather was like this every day!

And, since I'm an awesome photographer... here's some really cool pictures!

Bears, Beets, Battlestar Galactica

First off! One of my best friends Whitnie, from High School, called this fine afternoon and for some reason I knew exactly what she was going to tell me! She's pregnant! YAY!!! This news pretty much made my day! We didn't think she'd be the first to have a baby, we thought it would be Bonny! But I'm sure she's not too far away. hehe I suppose you'd only understand that if you knew my little circle of friends. YAY! So I'm just so happy for her and it's going to be the cutest little thing ever! I can't believe one of us is going to have a little one! eeee!

Today I finished up my substitute teaching paperwork and whatnot, now I just have to get through Orientation Monday and I'll be set for working! It's about time because I'm in need of the mula.

From there I went to complete my graduation packet and applied for Student Teaching! I got to put my first 3 choices, so I put 4th, 5th then 3rd. I've come to realize that I think I like those grades better because I have the personality for it.

Not too much else happening. I've been sick... getting over that, and busy busy busy with school. Speaking of I totally forgot that I'm a lazy partner and I have to put in my 2 cents for this lesson plan! poop

Under the Blacklight

It's September. Wow. I was just thinking today that I remember way back in January thinking this was going to be a good year! And now I'm already planning for things in December.

So another sleepless night... seems like there's been a lot of those these days. And I always seem to end up on my hammock outside at midnight just thinking about anything and everything. And why is it that every time I start freaking out I seem to want to write a blog? weird...

August was pretty great. I got to see a bunch of family and take a road trip with Tobi in California. It was pretty great! Then school started last week. All in all I guess I'm loving it, but in reality it's mostly why I'm so emotional and moody these days.

Senior year... wow. Almost done with college! Only 8 months till graduation. I should be excited and happy... right?! I feel like I'm on this emotional roller coaster. Everything I do, I go from being happy to getting really sad because it'll be over soon. The smallest things make me want to cry, when I'm just overwhelmingly happy I want to cry, and of course when I think about where I'll be in a year.... I want to cry. It's ridiculous really because even though I want to nothing actually comes out.

I decided to start substitute teaching. I'm just waiting.... and waiting for the paperwork to finish up. And I was recommended to check out this private Christian school up by my house to be a substitute for them which would be very awesome. So I'm applying for that. And I just got an application for this other thing, but am not quite ready to talk about it yet. All these applications man! Applications, resumes, graduation applications, student teaching applications, final tests I have to pay for in order to get my teaching license, bah!!! Too much at once.

I think I'm done. I guess I feel a little load off my shoulders. But in all honest I've been running to look for comfort in all the wrong places. I don't know why I feel like writing a blog is going to solve all my problems.... maybe it just helps with sorting things out? Or seeing my thoughts in words? Why is it so hard to take it to God? He's the only one who won't let me down, he's the only one who I know will always love me and never leave me, and I know he understands what I'm feeling here and why but I can't seem to take it to him. Or maybe that's what I'm doing now... enough with the pity party right?

From the hammock in my backyard

It sucks missing people. And the more I go to camp the more people I have to miss! And Facebook is great, but it just doesn't cut it with actually BEING with the people! Did you know I was so bored today that I map quested how long it would take to hit every place with the people I miss the most. I went from Vegas to Lander, WY to Lincoln, NE to Broken Arrow, OK (and then some) to Kansas to Dallas, TX to Las Cruces, NM to Tucson, AZ (and other places around there) and back up to Vegas. It would take 50 hours. It'd be an insanely awesome road trip though.

On the flip side, at camp we talked about Heaven and one thing that was just amazing to me was that we won't have to say good bye to people. Think about how freaking awesome that will be! So I guess there's hope there!

And I started freaking out over the future once again. I had to go to my friend's wedding reception (where I felt totally awkward btw because it was a Mormon friend and I was the only one wearing a tank top... haha) and her family kept asking if I wanted to teach here and the honest truth is... I DON'T KNOW! Making decisions suck, but in the mist of all my stressing out I just all of the sudden felt my heart sink and thought... "one day at a time Melissa, there's no need to freak out about a year from now, just focus on what's happening now!!!" So in conclusion I came home and filled out an application for substitute teaching! So I'll hopefully start that in the Fall and have that as my main job as well as my job at UNLV! Lord willing... I'll survive! So whoever does read this... say a quick prayer for me: That God would pull my heart the way he wants me to go and give me the willpower and self-confidence I desperately need to survive life after college!

I think that's it for now.

July

I woke up this morning upset becuase I had to go to work. I've been use to not having to go to work so much. Today... I felt much better once I stepped outside. The smell of wet grass, clouds over-head, nice temperature... *sigh* It makes me wish I didn't hate waking up early so much so I could enjoy the morning before the Vegas grossness kicks in.

Aside from that... sometimes I wonder why I even keep this blog going, I know I haven't had it that long, but does anyone besides Tobi even care what I think?! haha

And most of all I wanted to share how happy July has made me!

-First and foremost... PYA; the meeting new people, getting to know old people even better, refreshing my relationship with God, learning so many new things, and just enjoying being away from the craziness of life.

-Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows; which really made my summer complete! *sigh*

-Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

-Tegan and Sara's new CD! It's just so fabulous!

-Sunshine; the new awesome movie I will be watching tonight!

-Once; which I watched about a week ago. It's a really good movie, and has an awesome soundtrack!! So y'all should watch it too!!!

-And July 31st... HOT FUZZ out on DVD! horray! Then I can watch it as much as I want!

And July isn't even over yet. I just feel so relaxed and calm... even though I should really be stressing over the next upcoming month August. I just feel like I finally have a summer break and it feels great! So I will spend my time wisely; savoring every day of this lovley month with my friends, family, and maybe even work on some crafty projects that have been sitting in my mind for FOREVER now!

The end.

Take it up a notch

My brothers have deemed the month of July take it up a notch month. And even though it's not over, I feel like I have lived up to this month; from things such as opening up, to putting myself out there, to not looking back and just moving forward, and to really trying to work on my relationship with God.

I just got home from PYA and as normal God did one huge work on me! I really don't even know where to begin! Camp is just so hard to explain to people, it's so hard to articulate. But I do know that I love how God works on us when we're in a group of believers. I feel like it's God's way of encouragement in that we can all talk to each other and pray with each other and just be there to help one another through it. The speakers we amazing! They weren't just speakers, they interacted with us and they genuinely wanted to get to know us. The message was outstanding! In a short summary, we talked about creation, then the fall and all that comes with it and then Heaven and glorification. I have never seen the fall like I have that week and I have never been so excited about Heaven before! Friendships were made that I will never break and relationships built upon and made stronger. We talked a lot about being jars of clay and how we are not stable, but that's why God built us like that, so that his strength can shine through us!!

Blogging is a strange thing, it's suppose to help me sort out my feelings right? But I feel so lost as I type. But then again, I just feel lost being back at home. I wish that I could gradually be pushed back into my normal life, but instead I have to just be tossed into the wild pack of wolves waiting for me. I guess it's just God testing my patience. I wonder if this is the place I'm suppose to be, but I think it is, I'm not 100% sure, but I know I can't leave my family. They need me.. no matter what hell I'm being put through, and no matter how alone I feel at dealing with it all, they need me.

But anyway, there are pictures from camp under picture thingy. I don't really know what else to say at the moment. So peace

Disneyland!

I haven't had the chance to write about my fun adventure to California with my mumsy! It all starts with our birthdays... back in November she turned 50 and back in April I turned 21! So we decided to make a huge party out of it and head to Disneyland! So we drove.... well I drove and pretty fast at that (I was pretending I was in an illegal road race like the show Drive! haha). So we got to our hotel which was halfway between Disneyland and Newport and the lady was nice enough to let us check in early! So naturally we hit the beach. Originally we were going to go to Disneyland that night but since we never get to go to the beach we decided to stay at Newport Beach. And we just stayed and ate on the beach on the dock and to our surprise we saw 3 dolphins!!! It was amazing! So after some tanning, walking around, and eating... we decided to sleep.

Saturday we spent 15 hours at Disneyland and we got Hopper tickets and were able to check out California Adventures too! It was so much fun! And California Adventures was so cool! There was a roller coaster there and I forced my mommy to ride it 3 times in a row! haha It was seriously amazing! What else did we do? We rode all the totally awesome rides at Disneyland at least twice. My mom had never ridden Space Mountain so we did that first. And then of course the Star Wars ride, Pirates of the Carribean ride, Indiana Jones, Splash Mountain, the bobsled one, and Thunder Mountain. California Adventures had this one ride that was based on a crazy road in CA and we thought it looked cute... NO it was insane and scary!!! We hated it. Funny thing was that there were these two grown men riding behind us and they were freaked out too! As the
day went on...and on and on the sun started to go down and we wanted to watch the Fantasia show on the lake thingy. Anyway about this time I started to get pissed because of all the stupid people everywhere. But it was amazing and right after it was over we ran to Indiana Jones to ride it one more time. By now it's about 10:15. And finally we thought we'd ride the train that goes around the park just for a nice peaceful time. So that was our day in a short summary. We had a lot of fun... minus the pissyness near the end of the 15 hours. haha

On Sunday we went to this PCA church I looked up online. While I was looking I realized that there were a lot of Korean churches down there so when we walked up to the church and saw a bunch of Korean people. So we were kind of nervous, but they just came right up to us and welcomed us and just genuinely cared that we were there. It was a really tiny church maybe only 30 people. But I think everyone came up to great us! But ya, it was pretty cool seeing a different church! Then we went back to the beach... I got a bad sunburn and we drove home. We sang a lot and car danced a lot! haha So yay for hanging out with my mommy for a whole weekend by myself! YAY!

To see more pictures and they're all wonderful!... go to my "Family Photos" to the right! wu wu

Wide Awake

It's currently 1:37 in the am... why am I still up?? Ya... I have no idea. I was finishing my final 2 projects for school, but I finished them at 12:00 or maybe 12:30. And I have to get up early to teach my final lesson for my practicum. While lying here trying to sleep a couple things hit me... first, since we're talking about school, I'm a senior! A SENIOR! ahhh! Amanda and I were talking about graduation and how exciting it will be, but at the same time it's pretty sad too because I've gotten really close to here this year. But I guess we still have a whole year so I won't dwell on that. But it does make me wonder if I've changed. I mean, I know I have... but I guess I just don't see it myself. Have I become unrecognizable to people? Or have they just accepted whatever I've changed into and moved on with life?

Second thing that hit me actually happened a couple days ago when I was helping Amanda move. We passed by a cemetery and it hit me that that's where one of my high school friends is buried and I remembered it was almost July and he had died back on Jul 3, 2003. He died in a car accident which makes me think of my own driving. So back to sitting in bed wide awake... I could not believe that I totally forgot that my grandma died June 24, 2003! I couldn't believe I forgot, so that made me sad. I miss her. But I look at how close my grandpa and uncles have gotten and how close we've gotten to them and I just wish she could see that. So me, being morbid... thought of the rest of my friends and family who have died in the past couple years, my great grandma Mabel Turman, Andrea, Carley, Brian, Jenn's mom, Natalie's mom, that's all that come to mind right now.

This leads me to my next slew of thoughts. Our women's group in our church is reading Hearts of Fire. It's pretty amazing. It's about women and their families and friends around the world would have suffered for their beliefs. This past chapter was about a missionary women who's husband and 2 boys were burned alive in their jeep in a village in India. This women's reaction was so amazing to me. She seemed so quick to forgive. And I know that it takes hard work and eventually she also had to test that forgiveness because she came face to face with the man who planned the murder. It's just crazy to me, I know how I would act in that situation... I would be a huge pity party and close off the world. I would be angry, bitter, and mean. I wouldn't want to forgive that fast! How selfish am I? SERIOUSLY! And even looking at my life now. I say I have forgiven, but I still dwell on it. It's so hard for me to get out of my angry, selfish moods. I'm pathetic... But reading this story gives me hope that it can be done. And I know that it was all God working in her so that's very comforting.

And other than that I've just been so busy. I feel like I've just been going from one thing to the next, living on fast food, and practically turning my car into a 2nd home. I was reading through my journal tonight (yes I still keep a written journal) and it seems like I always write when God has turned my nasty heart around. I guess I'm just too ashamed to share the nasty heart with anyone. Although I had written a long blog that would have shown the very true me... but I erased it, I guess because I didn't want people judging me. But the fact of the matter is that I'm a huge mess. I'm a tangle web of sin and garbage. And the thing with me... is that I do see my sin but I just dwell on it and I complain about it and I throw a huge pity party with extra pity on top. It's amazing how I can be so self involved. It's amazing that I can feel so distant from people and not do a thing to try and fix it and sometimes not even want to fix it. Bah I don't know. Perhaps it's the fact that it's now 2:14 am and I'm still not tired, I just want to keep writing! But I think I should stop for now. Maybe try to sleep since tomorrow will defiantly be too long if I don't get some shut eye.

frick

My stupid cat peed on all my clean cloths... that pretty much sums up the reality of my week...